Weight and Worth

I don’t want to hate my body anymore.

I grew up in the cocaine-fueled 80s and supermodel-admiring culture of the 90s, a time when it seemed you had to be super skinny to be beautiful. There was a lack of focus on the emotional health of the young and impressionable. At about 13, my weight became my central obsession. Although I feel shame admitting it, I know I wasn’t alone in this.

Being weight-obsessed was built into the culture. Celebrities were constantly asked about their weight and diet, and many of us bought the magazines and tried all the crazes (though I sometimes wonder if things have changed). My home life didn’t offer much support. My parents had problems of their own, so I turned my focus inwards and was overly critical of my looks and weight. A large amount of mental energy got sucked into that black hole. It’s heartbreaking to think about all the hours I could’ve been more freely enjoying my youth rather than mentally torturing myself about my figure and whatever number appeared on the scale that morning.

It’s taken me a long time to stop taking the body-critical path. I believe that pathway will always be carved in my mind, never fully growing over, and available during moments of weakness when I feel like belittling myself again. Now, in my 40s, I sometimes look down the path and see it’s starting to veer in a new direction: anti-aging. Without judgment (you do you), I see that medical interventions have become extremely popular. I wonder how best to age, and if I should consider injections at some point or maybe ask my acupuncturist if she has any techniques that help with facial aging. I’ve become more committed to a skincare regime.

I know maintaining one’s health and appearance is a positive thing, as long as we're not being toxically hard on ourselves and others. We have to make decisions that are right for us without becoming obsessed with our shortcomings and buying into fear. Most importantly, we need to find the value in everything else we have to offer beyond our appearance. 

In learning the language of astrology and embarking on a more spiritual life path, I've gained a different lens through which to view myself and my life. The goal of exploring life through astrology is the healing of the soul. I aspire to shed light on aspects of my inner workings that have caused me shame and hardship, in the hope of also offering assistance to others.